...who has got a smelly biff?
Updated: Mar 23, 2020
At 0530 I was up, having already fed her, Beryl was now using an electric toy drill to screw an imaginary nail into my head. Turns out he had had a shit night sleep. Very dramatic replay of the disturbed nights sleep as if talking to someone who doesn’t have at least 5 nights of staring at the walls, pacing the flat, reliving conversations from 2014, worrying that she will be a southerner and we will all be northern and therefore not understand her when she says “aight fam”. But he is tired. Poor boy.
By 0915 I had sung sleeping bunnies 19 times, sat in a teepee 17 times, made cheesey scrambled eggs which she ate one bite of before promptly saying bye-bye to the bowl and throwing it on the floor … queue me cleaning kitchen floor. I’d emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, done a wash, hung a wash while she also tried to hang a wash which basically means pulling every fucking thing off the rack, hoovered the flat, helped her on the potty (not for reasons you think, she just likes to sit on it while playing peekaboo with a pretend kitchen ladle) made 3 beds, replied to near on 17 WhatsApp’s, sold 2 pairs of shoes on Facebook marketplace, sourced a wall height chart (not as cute as I would like but still only a fiver) and bribed her with Peppa Pig so I could shower for 2 seconds without my tits being grabbed. How I am still breastfeeding at 17 months is quite frankly beyond me. She literally motorboats me on a daily basis. Seriously. She gets one in each hand and then blows raspberries on them as she pushed them together. Who the fuck has taught my baby to motorboat? I digress. I have quite literally done a day’s work by 0915 and then the phone rings. It’s the referral GP, note to self, always best to do phone consultation thus preventing embarrassingly puce face whilst talking about blow jobs.
“Ok, so what seems to be the problem?”
“Right. Yes. Well you see I have noticed this weird smell down there.
“Ok, is it a fishy smell?
“Oh god no not fish. Jesus.
“Nope. I can only taste it; sorry I mean describe it as putrid. Like, the kind of smell that will make you gag.
“Interesting. Any discharge?
“Ugh god I hate that word. But no, none. Sorry, I don’t handle these situations with any level of maturity.
“No problem, totally normal. So, is this smell there all the time?
“No, just when we bonk.
“Right so during intercourse. Do you have a new partner?
“Ah no, and let me be clear, we have a feral 17-month-old so bonking isn’t really at the top of our agenda post eating and staring at the TV secretly reminiscing back to days pre nappies.
“Right, so it just happens infrequently but is strong enough for you to smell it?
“Ok, listen Susan, can I be honest? I feel like we can as you can’t see me, I’m assuming you’re not judging.
“Be my guest.
“Right well we are going with the fool proof withdrawal method before I help him on his way. Thus, I am assuming it is I who is a bit off given he has just well you know. Been on a field trip.
“Sorry, you’ve lost me. You’re now saying this has come on since you’ve been on a field trip?
“No. I mean the smell or rather taste is putrid after he, you know, has been up the duffer. In the shed. Up the Eurotunnel.
“Nope. Sorry, totally lost.
“Oh my god. Ok fine I’ll say it Susan. After we have bonked, I come, then I give him a blow job and it tastes RANK. Like ughhhhh I am diseased.
“Aha. So, what you’re saying is oral sex used to be enjoyable but now not so much?
“Bingo Susan. I mean let’s be honest, have they ever been nice? Can anyone describe giving a blowy as an enjoyable extracurricular activity? Is my first waking thought, I wish his cock was in my mouth? No Susan it is not. Whilst I listen to him fart for the umpteenth time or look in horror as I did the other morning when I witnessed actual piss hanging at the end of his willy I can honestly, hand on heart say that it is no longer enjoyable. That and I think I taste like a gone off sewer and that can’t be right can it?
“I’ll send the referral.
“You do that Susan, and lets just forget this conversation ever happened. Bye now, you take care.”