• crewders

...whose child catches every disgusting disease there is?

As is the nature of my life at the minute, everything is a voice note. EVERYTHING. Forget texting its not quick enough, talk to text is bullshit and why on earth would I actually call someone? In a 20 mins call I could have cleaned the entire house, done a work out, made some weanin15 crap (that she wouldn't touch) On that note, seriously now Joe, how the fuck does Indie eat everything you give her? All that’s happened in this house is my waist band has increased as I have made your tasty oaty treats and rather than simply cook them and throw them directly in the bin, I feel bad for the world and after Beryl has thrown them on the floor/wall/her arm/anywhere but into her mouth, then I eat them.

Today, with food guilt, I have eaten; a piece of toast, yoghurt and pears, an apple, cheesy scrambled egg, more yoghurt, icecream, 2 oaty on the go bars, more toast and more yoghurt. That’d be OK if I stopped at that but of course have had my regular 3 meals as well. Obvs did a Joe leanin15 workout tho so surely counteracts all badness. We’ll ignore the tablespoon (ahem 3 tablespoons) of Nutella I frantically threw down my neck on route to bed. I am due on. I mean I’ve said that now for 3 weeks, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD? Yes I have done a test and no no I am not. But still I continue to crave.

Anyway voice notes. So I was 30 seconds into replying to Deano's (btw did you know if you press and hold the mic it keeps recording and you can release the hold???? YOU’RE WELCOME, it will change your life) when I watched Beryl hold on to the side of the suitcase and curl out a HOT poo. So the voice note went along these lines…yeah so anyway spot the worlds worst parent, here’s me thinking she’s teething when in actual FUCKING HELL FIRE IT’S COMING OUT, Oh god, it’s a log, its 2 days worth of poorly tummy, OH GOD NO IT’S THE SHITS. Yep she’s shitting all over the cream carpet, it stinks WHY AM I STILL VOICE NOTING. I stop.

On reflection when I tripped and poured half a bag of epsom salts into the bath perhaps I should have diluted it a bit more. Or perhaps it would have come out anyway, it has been 3 days. Poorly bird. So yeah honestly I do feel a bit bad for calling her a little shitbag this morning when she threw the last of the yoghurt on the wall. Because turns out it’s not teething is it? No, the ferret has gone and got herself hand foot and mouth. Basically I have got a mad cow for a daughter. Brilliant. I mean is this because I let her crawl around on the floor? Is it because while in London I did leave her on the floor overlooking London bridge so I could enjoy my glass of champers? Is it because we went to the swimming pool and it was literally like stepping into a wet clogged up hair brush with floating plasters?

Another point to make. I thought breast feeding was supposed to increase their immune system? Given we’ve had 5 ear infections, grommets fitted, a chest infection and now some ridiculous disease I may as well have fed her petrol. At least my boobs wouldn’t now be on the floor.

So she’s diseased and that means we are housebound this bank holiday weekend. Brilliant.

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