…who comes on during a national lock down without so much as an ear bud for sanitary wear

The Lock Down: day 4

06:30 In she comes and I know it’s going to be a tricky start. She sobs because I won’t give her my ear plug. Christ knows why she’s so obsessed with these waxy, disgusting little balls but she is. If only she knew that on a, sadly, very frequent basis, I dream that I am eating something and then I wake realising that I am in fact chewing on an ear plug. For a split second I am disgusted but it’s soon forgotten as I shove them back in each ear. Ugh. I am vile.

06:35 I stand and gush. Mother nature arrives, according to my completely useless app, a week early. Which means had our trip to Antigua still be on I would, for the first time on a holiday together, not have been on my period. Weird.

06:36 Stood in bathroom cupboard. Not a Tampax in sight. FFS. Wrap loo roll around pants and waddle out contemplating cutting a nappy up…actually quite a good idea.

07:15 It feels as though someone has my vagina in a vice and is literally turning the wheel to stretch it out.

08:00 Both Beryl and I are stood outside Sainsburys wearing nappies. Thankfully also clothes. Purchase emergency supplies and also mini eggs for medicinal purposes.

12:00 She’s asleep. So far today we have:

Made a den

Had a teddy bears picnic

Read 48765349 books

Made a banana loaf

Painted (we won’t tell him about the carpet)

Given Rosemary downstairs an emergency tin of toms

Done PE with Joe. Throughout the entire workout I questioned my life and why I hadn’t come up with the concept of Lean in 15. Furious with myself so decide I shall create a podcast booth in bathroom cupboard. Send begging plea on FPMP for egg boxes to make it soundproof. Aha Joe. Watch it son, I’m coming.

12:05 Man on FBMP says egg boxes are useless but he has foam panels I can borrow (weird – will we all now just borrow things instead of paying? I mean am I really going to unstick these and return one day?!? Corona is either making people very generous or completely bonkers) and I can collect them anytime, he will leave in a box in the middle of his garden. Naturally assume it’s a set up and I will be kidnapped and trapped in a Corona house from hell. But still, I say yes and off I go. Collecting his bike for him. He needs it mending so he can ride and get some ALONE time. I wish.

12:45 Back, alive with foam and bike. Nothing weird bar a very aggressive woman at the window telling me to back off. I literally was 4 ft from the front door, which was not open, and she had a mask on, in her locked house. Man appeared, he looked trapped. Almost said mate come for a chat but thought better off it. Took the box and legged it.

12:46 Made him lunch, told without being told, to be quiet and she wakes up. 45 fucking minutes. And she’s up. WHEN IS IT WINE O’CLOCK?

5pm In 4 hours we have:

Read 98736592384 books

Video called 0348659428653987 people

Made cards for family members

Took cards to post office (emergency). She was on my back in the carrier. Handed cards over to be posted – woman looked at me strangely. Beryl had eaten the stamps clean off the cards whilst on the walk.

Played with mud and stones for an entire hour

Used another litre of bubble mixture in machine

Spent at least 3 hours imagining being at work. Alone. Wearing make-up and clothes instead of active wear. Which is now saggy, covered in mud and mackerel from lunch. Or at least I think that’s what it is.

5:30 He comes out and looks at me like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO YOU and tells me he is tired.

5:31 I pour a VERY large wine.

The rest of the evening consists of me making dinner, cleaning it up and drinking more wine. And then a gin. And then an entire bag of mini eggs. Suspect PE with Joe won't rectify this.