…who imagines the worst
The Lock Down Day 16 07:10 It’s going to be a long day. She opens her eyes and says; “MY CAR”. “Yes darling we will go and play with your...
I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE...
who...
...bribes the 1yr old with Peppa Pig...who has been on a diet since 1992...who has as a serious, unhealthy addiction to Facebook marketplace...who swears too much...who drinks too much...who is permanently a sleepdeprivedmum...who overthinks...who overeats...and who keeps the dry shampoo industry up and running.
i can't be the only one...
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… who is an April Fool
The Lock In Day 10 07:10 OMG slept the night in my own bed and she didn’t wake up once. Lies. He tells me she screamed at 4am but I was...
...who finally breaks down
The Lock Down: day 7 06:30 Yes, yes the clock may well say 6:30 but its bullshit isn’t it? It’s still 5:30 just the clock’s gone forward...
...whose days last 4387562983475 hours
The Lock Down: day 6 09:11 All fed. Them bacon and eggs. Me a smoothie. Must try to lose some of the 7lbs weight gain. At this rate, 7lbs...
...who counts down the hours to er nothing. Literally, nothing.
The Lock Down: day 5 I mean it's simply a repeater of day 4 Early start 43875643987 activites No rest Ate too much Drank too much Didn’t...
…who comes on during a national lock down without so much as an ear bud for sanitary wear
The Lock Down: day 4 06:30 In she comes and I know it’s going to be a tricky start. She sobs because I won’t give her my ear plug. Christ...
...who is a shopping yo-yo
The Lock Down: day 3 05:55 Woke with a start thinking I was about to shit myself. Realised I was in fact about to shit myself as I’d put...
…who ends up in hospital during a world health pandemic, but not, obviously, for Coronavirus…
The Lock Down: day 2. It didn’t start well. 06:10 he brought Beryl in. I’d slept in the spare room in fear of cough catching / spreading...
... who is on lock down with a toddler ... and a baldy.
Oh yeah course I’m not, hello UK LOCK DOWN 😭 The Lock Down: day 1 8:30pm Boris told us all we were essentially in jail. We are allowed...
… who doesn’t know what they want to do when they grow up
Help me. I am 37 years old and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. NO, you are wrong I am not an adult, I do NOT have my...
…who can’t sleep?
EVER. I’m talking never. Oh no wait, that’s bullshit. I can sleep for roughly 6mins but then I’m up. Take tonight for example. I got 5...
…who got her tits out on the M4?
Which sounds like a dare from student days. But alas stood on the hardshoulder of the M4 covered in milk puke in my bra is not quite a...
...who deep breaths more than actually breathing normally?
He lands back from a 3-day trip away, ok working but nonetheless, read the word AWAY. I on the other hand have not been first class to...
...who has got a smelly biff?
Seriously though, icantbetheonlyone
...whose child catches every disgusting disease there is?
As is the nature of my life at the minute, everything is a voice note. EVERYTHING. Forget texting its not quick enough, talk to text is...
...who has shit herself live on air?
I co-produced / presented a documentary on miscarriages leading up to the birth of Beryl. And it just so happened to be on air 10 days...
...whose first post baby poo wouldn’t flush?
4 days after the trauma of a c-section, having eaten a bag of prunes and drunk shit tonne of orange juice I finally gave into a poo tea;...
...who emigrates and longs for home, or their Tesco card, same same.
Day one: Jet lagged, emotional and confused. I woke up at 6am, not bad considering he now appears to snore (I was not informed of this...